Sperenza: No more animals please

So, here we are in OUR garden. She puts us here, gives us the run of the place, I accept my role as garden queen and then she keeps moving more animals in.  We had the 3 cats anyway, but I can handle them...and Marigold and Simba think they are brother and sister. Then she moved in the big fluffy grey monster ...who is another LADY (called Zara)...how many women do you think can live together.  Now she is talking about more of us and all because of a visit to her neighbours. 

The other day Herself the Mammy came home from town saying Her next Door has asked her in to see the babies, what babies I wondered.  So that evening Herself the Mammy and Miss Skinny Long Legs headed off.  Well I wanted to know what she was doing so I rounded up all the ladies and Simba sorted the cats and off we followed them.  Unfortunately we got caught and Miss Skinny Long Legs brought us home...well she offered us food, it would be rude to refuse.

It was a pity as we know next door has lots of hens and a very fine cockeral, we hear him each morning and it would have been exciting to meet him...if you know what I mean...who wants to be a single lady all their life?

When they came back the were oowing and ahhing about baby chicks, day old chicks.  Whats so cute about a chick, they don't even have proper feathers or wonderful combs like I do...and maybe the other two ladies aswell but not as fine as mine obviously.

Then they started talking about hen chicks and  duck chicks and new houses and fences and christmas dinner...were is all of this going?



Zara: A long walk

I'm Zara, and I'm a female husky puppy and I live with Herself the Mammy. I'm only new here so getting to know everyone. Now you mightn't know it but Herself the Mammy is terrified of dogs and all other animals...so I see it as my job to help her like me and all my doggy friends.  To do this I jump on her and lick her all the time to show her how much I love her...she doesn't seem as happy with this as I thought she would.  My Daddy is Him the Boy-Man and Sometimes his Girlfriend.  I sleep on his bed and sometimes he brings me to work..and sometimes he brings me to Kat with Two Legs for the day and sometimes he leaves me with Herself the Mammy.  She brings me for long long walks.

I have had a lovely day today.  I got a new bone and had a great chew on it, then I put it under the table so I can find it later.  Herself the Mammy brought me to town today and I had a great time.  I drank from loads of puddles and we went to the market.  I like that as I meet loads of people and get loads of cuddles. She was talking to The Man with Meat, but stayed too long so I moved her on.  Then I met The Girl That Likes Me...and she brought me for a walk while Herself the Mammy stayed and nattered...I often wonder what she finds to talk abou...humans!!!

After that we came home, had some food and off we went again.  Herself the Mammy rattled the chain and out we went for a walk to the big water.   It's a long bit away and I get to smell loads of interesting things along the road.  Sometimes I get to make new doggy friends along the way.  We walk along the road and the noisey things on wheels go by but they always slow down and say hello to me.  We got to the big water and I had great fun, I run into the water, catch it in my mouth and run out again.

Then we went to the boats to run around, I tried to run fast but kept skidding and almost going into the big water.

Then I got to the big boat field to have a run around and play with my ball.  I had a great time and then we had the long walk back home.  I did my best to make Herself the Mammy exhausted so she would sleep for a long time and be happy...I even helped her buy sitting on her feet and giving her a cuddle.





All the single ladies: The Plan

6th May, 9:40pm in the henhouse:

What are we going to do about this situation then girls?

What situation Marigold?

What do you mean what fucking situation, the fact that a grey fluffy monster now roams the garden and fancys us for dinner.

Oh that one, I don't know I was waiting on Sperenza to tell me what to think.

No point on waiting on me Lady Lavery, I'm too terrified to think.

OK what about a breakout.

When?

In the morning.

Ok so, we'll do that in the morning so, let's dream of a plan.


7th May 7am, In the hen house:

Sperenza, Lady Lavery hurry up we have to breakout today.

Yawn, what...this early, I have so much to do.

Such as?

Well, a bit of breakfast, a wander to the stream for a drink, a bit of slug eating, a rest and then I will need to lay an egg.

OK, so you will be leaving the henhouse and going out to the garden...?

Yes...

...and in the garden will be a fluffy grey monster...?

Yes.... oops, I see what you mean, so we can't go out.

That's it.

Excuse me Marigold, but by that logic we can't get out to escape.

That's true, that's why we need a plan.

OK well lets eat first and think about it.


9.30am, in the henhouse

Ok, so thats what we will do.  Marigold will watch the house and tell us when Herself the Mammy and the Fluffy Grey Monster leave for a walk then we will make our escape.

Yes, Sperenza, that's the bloody plan, any questions Lady Lavery?

Yes, how do we get out of the hen house and out of the garden? Were you building a tunnel last night, or did you hijack an escape plane?

Ooooh, thats a good question, how do we get out?

Listen you two red headed idiots with peas for brains, we don't need a tunnel, we don't need a plane.  We have no locked door, we have no locked gate, all we do is walk out of the house and out the gate and that's it...simple.

What, out the gate, the front gate, but we NEVER go out there.

Isn't that the point Lady Lavery, we are escaping, not going for a walk in the garden, we are going where no hen has gone before.

That's true Marigold, but I'm with Lady Lavery on this one, we don't know what is outside the front gate...but we do know it's where the noisey machines on wheels go and I don't want to get run down. Let's go out through the back garden into the big field and take it from there.

Ok so, but let's get moving now before you decide to lay another bloody egg.  Are we all ready, off we go.

10:45, In the back garden

Look ladies, there it is, the back fence, almost there and we are out. come on.

Em excuse me Sperenza..

Shut up Marigold, we are nearly out, come on, under the fence here, quick before Lady Lavery backs out, that's it Lady, under the fence, that's it...quick.

Free, we are free, finally away from the monster.

Em, I don't think....

Marigold, stop trying to take over as always, we are out, what's your problem.

My problem is you two stupid bitches is that all we have done is walk into the garden next door, we do this every day to find slugs to eat, we haven't escaped we've just gone for our daily wander. You should have let me make the plan, I knew I shouldn't have listened to you two.

OK then what will we do now?

And when can we eat, and when can I sleep, I need a nap.

What! Food and sleep, we are escaping not having a Sunday picnic.  Where are we going to get food, where are we going to sleep?

Well usually around this time Herself the Mammy comes out with some scraps and I nap in the flower pot.

Oh you dumbhead, we have just left home, we have no more Herself the Mammy to feed us and no house and no flower pots, we have no Simba, we are all alone and have to fend for ourselves.

Oh my god, I hadn't really thought of it like that, I thought we would just relocate and Herself the Mammy would find us and feed us and give us a new house...this is scary.

What will we do.

OK, we will climb to the top of the clay pile and have a look around.  That is the highest place for a least three gardens and fields.  We can see from there and look for somewhere new to live.  We need food and water and somewhere safe to sleep.  I'm happy with slugs to eat and puddles to drink, what about you two.

Well slugs are fine as long as we have some organic layers pellets aswell and some bread.

For Christ sake, no pellets, no bread, just slugs and worms.

Sob, sob, sob, choke........waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh

Shut up Lady Lavery, Marigold is right, we need to toughen up and look after ourselves, come on pull yourself together and up the hill.

11:30 At the top of the muck hill in the next door garden

So here we are, what now?

Well, we need to survey the land around us and see where is best to go.

How do we know what is best?

Well we need some where safe to roost.

Ok, look what about over there, that looks good.

No, that's the garden with two bad cats.

Oh, well what about over there.

No, that's where the magpies live, we will get no food there.

Oh....look I see the perfect place.

Yes, Lady Lavery, show us.

Look just over there, a green hen house with food and water, just perfect.

I don't believe this, of course it's perfect Lady Lavery, it's where we just came from, it's our house.

Don't shout at me Marigold, I'm trying...sob, sob, sob.


10 minutes later:

Now now, Lady Lavery, Marigold didn't mean it, come on love, stop crying now.

Sob....hiccup....sob.

OK we have had enough of this, it's time we set off again.  I suggest we go over there and have a look around those trees, they have long grass and I can see plenty of slugs, we will look for water when we get there, are you ready.

What, you want us to go next door to the garden next door, that's really far away, we haver never been there before.

That's the point, now shut up and move.

12:15pm, In the garden next door to the garden next door.

Well ladies we made it, we have escaped and have somewhere new to live, well done, it was tough going but you got here in the end.

I'm really tired but I'm hungry.

Ok lets have a look around and find some food and then we will see if we can make a roost somewhere.

aaaargh, squawk, squawk, squawk

What is it Lady Lavery, use words

squawk, squawk

Talk dammit, talk girl.

Oh oh, look, it's they fluffy grey monster.

NOOOOOOOOOOO...I thought we just got away from her, run girls, run for your life.

Where........???????

Back to the hen house in the orchard.

But we just escaped from there.

I know...but it's safer back there than here now, run quick.
Squawk, squawk, squawk.

Comment from Herself the Mammy:

I was left looking after Zara today and brought her out for a walk.  When I was on the way back I found the hens in a garden two houses away..strange, they don't normally wander that far.  They took one look at me and flew off in a panic...weird.

Sperenza: The grey fluffy monster.

Living in the orchard, dining with Simba

We have now settled into our new house, now we are all the single ladies living in the orchard of herself the Mammy.  As an address I do feel it is more upmarket than the back of the garden.  We are beside the stream and the bridge and get to see people go by each day...it's great to be admired and this is what I was brought up to.  Marigold is still a bit unsure and wanders back to the back of the garden each day...good for us as it gives us a break from her...I mean compared to us she is a commoner and we should be applauded for tolerating her.
We had a daily routine, we wake up at sunrise and let ourselves out and wander about the garden looking for slugs.  Marigold runs off to play with Simba and us two wander into the stream for a drink and then head off for a dust bath. At about 8am Herself the Mammy comes out with organic layers pellets for us, she locks us into the hen run to eat them and then goes and feeds the cats.  She is back at 9am (still in her pyjamas and a pair of wellies, somebody needs to talk to her about her dress sense) with a bucket of scraps for us and another for the cats...we found out the third bucket is for Pinkie and Pixie the pigs on Dave's farm. She collects the eggs and gives us some fresh bedding. Life was good and we were ticking by...but by now we should know that when we get comfortable things here change.

So the other day Herself the Mammy came out with our food...and is she bloody mad, along with her was a fluffy grey monster. It was attached to her some way but still ran and tried to chase us.  Does she not realise that we are still traumatised from losing our dear friend the countess to a similar monster...a red hairy one, oh and Honeysuckle aswell.  So we squawked and ran and flew and the more we tried to get away the more the monster yelped and tried to get us. Herself the Mammy was yelling "Sit Zara, sit Zara"  that will do no good, she needs to shoot the monster.  I flew off to the top of our house and think I will stay here all day.

The grey fluffy monster

Profile: Pinkie

Pinkie is a male all pink pig, he is about 10 weeks old.
Lives on Dave's farm.
Likes food, food, trying to break out and food.
Particulary likes potato skins and fresh dandelions.

Oink Oink!!!

Well hello blogger world, nice to meet you.  I am Pixie and I live here with my brother Pinkie.  We are very fussy about where we live so don't actually live in the garden of Herself the Mammy but up the road on Dave's farm. She comes up to feed us sometimes with a bucket of vegetable scraps from the kitchen and the garden.  Also feeding us is The boy-man and sometimes his girlfriend, by the way we are starving get up here quick.  We live with our other brother and sister and we share a barn and a whole pile of muck.  Well it wasn't a whole pile of muck when we moved in but we redecorated when we got here.  I love to eat carrots and potatoes and shoes, Pinkie will eat anything.

Pinkie and Pixie together on left digging for food

Sperenza: We moved

Yep, we have moved and now we are in a much more up and coming area, much more suitable to a lady of my station.  Herself the Mammy and Miss Skinny Long Legs huffed and puffed and dragged the house to the front of the garden and it is now sitting in the orchard.  We followed on...except Marigold who always has to be different.  She was carried to bed in the middle of the night by Herself the Mammy and Kat with Two Legs.  She was pretty shaken up when she woke up this morning, ranting on about axe murderers and chicken nuggets.  Anyway along with the move the food seems to have improved.  Herself the Mammy gives us organic layers pellets but also has some goodies for us from a bucket.  She also has a bucket for the cats and another bucket, I can't read what is says I wonder who it is for.

W T F: Marigold

So, got up, pecked around, had breakfast, laid an egg, you know the usual stuff.
Herself the Mammy let us out and I went off to see if I could terrorise the shite out of Socky, he's such an easy target.   He picks on Simba and Picasso but Simba is my friend so I look out for him.  It was sunny and Herself the Mammy and Miss Skinny Long Legs were out in the garden arsin about.  The Man Who shouts was at the window shouting at them...something about ruining his fecking grass.  I agree with him though, if they want the grass ruined why don't they just let me at it. So we had a grand day, I pecked at Socky twice and grabbed food from that stuck up bitch Lady Lavery a few times...she deserves it, she's so full of herself.  Anyway, it was getting dark and I headed for home, I always get there first to get the best roost and well what the fuck, the house was gone. I mean it was just gone. A spot of sand and a load of hen poop where it was supposed to be.  Well, what am I supposed to do about that.  I sat a squaked and squaked.  Lady Lavery and Sperenza came over and did what I thought they'd do which is run around in circles like idiots.  Anyway, Herself the Mammy came out and started her mad calling "chick chick chick chick chick"...what does she think we are idiots, we see her with food we run, she doesn't need to call.  But those other two sycophantic idiots run after her and think she's great.   So she kept trying to get us to leave the back of the garden and go somewhere else.   Now I may be only a hen but I have heard stories of what happens to hens when they get on a bit and the words axe and pot come to mind so she wasn't going to lure me out, no way.  I ran and the other two followed her off to I don't know where.  I kept expecting to hear a chop and see headless hens running by me.  It started to rain and I found some wood to shelter under and dozed off.  Next thing I know it was and very wet and cold and a light was shining in my eyes.  I couldn't run as I can't see in the dark and Herself the Mammy picked me up. Fuck this I thought, I'm done for.  She carried me to the front of the garden, I heard a squeek and nextt hing I know I'm home in bed again...maybe this was all just a dream.  Talk again.

Profile: Marigold

A little brown hen.

Lays an egg most days but at lunchtime when the other two have gone for a peck.
LOVES dust baths.
Was best friends with Honeysuckle who got taken by "The big red hairy thing"
Now best friends with Simba and has adopted Simba as a brother hen.
Keeps away from other hens.
Is quiet...BUT has a mouth like a sewer.

You  have been warned.

What you missed

Well hello all, we have been gone for a long time now due to "technical difficulties", meaning I forgot the password and couldn't log in and then life just moved on.
I am "Herself the Mammy" and I live with "The man who shouts", "Miss skinny long legs" and "Him the boy-man and sometimes his girlfriend". "She who doesn't live here" is the other one who obviously doesn't live here. Also with us are the four legged furries Picasso, Simba and Socrates and a slug conversion team of three Lady Lavery, Sperenza and Marigold.  We have a few more additions this week but will introduce them later.
So, the last time we were here it was around the time the whole world changed...mainly by the introduction of two new hens...Marigold and Honeysuckle. So named because they escsaped from the box I brought them home in and I found one hiding under the Marigolds and one under the Honeysuckle. It took them a while to settle in, they had no problems but the other three did.  They got into a routine of sleeping all night, laying in the morning and then rambling through the whole garden all day long.  The other three eventually tried to ignore them.  The last summer I lost two to a fox...Honeysuckle and the Countess.  I was shocked that I heard nothing and just found a pile of feathers. The next morning (5am) I heard squaking a there as bold as brass was a fox standing in the garden so I shooed him off. This happened 3 mornings in a row and then he left.  We have a new neighboir and that now means three houses in a row have garden hens so I went and set of the alarm with them.  A few months later "Him the boy-man and sometimes his girlfriend" saw a fox in the garden....and shot him, simple.  It had already taken 3 hens from the neighbour.
So, thats all the news for now, I will let the animals fill you in over the week...they have a bit of news to share and probably do it better than me.
Thanks for listening.

Waaayyyy haaayy

We're back...

The day the whole world changed: Speranza

So there was I pecking about at the ground when one of the other single ladies started to squak about.  So I looked at Lady Lavery and she was drinking and the Countess was pecking about aswell. so who the f%*$ was squaking??????

I looked around and outside was a hen looking in at me, what was a hen doing outside our single ladies house at the bottom of the garden?

I gave the other two a kick and then looked out and seemed as perplexed as me. What was happening, why were there hens in OUR garden.???

Comment from "Herself the Mammy"

All the single ladies have now been renamed "The slug conversion production team".  They seem to love the slugs and run to get out each evening.

Anyway, come back tomorow to fing out what happens "The day the whole world changed"

Profile: Picasso

Hi all, I’m a cat, I’m 5 years old and the first cat of the house. My owner is “She who doesn’t live here”. Yep, strange I know but she does come to visit me. I sleep some of the day and hunt at night. Sometimes I play with Simba but keep well away from Socrates. I love hunting rats and mice and pigeons and rabbits. I have plenty here to keep me going. “Herself the Mammy” got hens, they are normally something I would like to chase, but as she owns them and I know what side my bread is buttered on I will leave well alone. Also, it’s good for her to have something of her own to look after rather than care for other people and their pets like she does.

Day 13: Simba

I have a new job, I’m now third in command of the hen herding team. My job is to call if one gets away and let “Miss Skinny Long Legs” know where she is. And best of all I get paid in hugs.

Day 13: Lady Lavery

Well the evening outing has become a daily event now, we get out every evening for an hour to eat slugs and the get shooed back in for the evening. I can walk around with my head held high looking at the scenery and hissing at Socrates. When I want a slug I just wait for Speranza to find one and then take it from her.

Day 11: Countess Markievicz

I don’t believe it, I tried and tried and tried not to but today I laid an egg, it must have been all those slugs I ate. It just better not become a habit, once in a while is fine but not very day.

Day 10: Countess Markievicz

Finally, something new today.


We got out, well we were let out. “Herself the Mammy” and “Miss Skinny Long Legs” opened the door and out we got to explore the garden. Well, the other two were a little unsure do they followed me around the sand pile and into the long grass by the stream. We found LOTS of slugs, slugs and more slugs. It didn’t take me long to decide to eat as many as possible and I started to gulp them down. After watching me the other two single ladies decided to join me and tried a few. Then Lady Lavery got lazy and decided to let Speranza peck for them and then she would just pull them out of her beak, so funny to watch Speranza try to run and eat at the same time. After an hour we got shooed into our coop again, but it was getting dark and we were tired so didn’t complain.

Day 8: Sperenza

Same old, same old. Myself and Lady Lavery have a routine now of laying an egg every day, then going out for a scratch. The Countess doesn’t do much really.

Profile: Simba

Simba drinking water from a seed tray

Hello everyone, I’m a little cat, a little cute cat that is. I was a boy but then they took me to the vet and when I got back I wasn’t a boy any more, just an it. My mammy is “Miss Skinny long legs” and she’s really nice to me. She hugs me, and lets me sneak into the house when “The man who shouts” isn’t around and gives me treats. I like sleeping, and hugs and chasing butterflies and birds. Last week I thought we were getting a new house in the garden. The “Boy with tattoos” was building something and it looked like a new house for me to play in, I kept jumping in a jumping out. But then these three funny 3 new things arrived in it and “Herself the Mammy” keeps going out and feeding them a talking to them. Though she built herself a new bench to sit on and I sneak over to her and curl up with her. They look like the pigeons I try to catch but they are much bigger and don’t seem to fly. The must be nice though cos they are orange ...just like me!!!!