Monday, May 21, 2012

Sperenza: No more animals please

So, here we are in OUR garden. She puts us here, gives us the run of the place, I accept my role as garden queen and then she keeps moving more animals in.  We had the 3 cats anyway, but I can handle them...and Marigold and Simba think they are brother and sister. Then she moved in the big fluffy grey monster ...who is another LADY (called Zara) many women do you think can live together.  Now she is talking about more of us and all because of a visit to her neighbours. 

The other day Herself the Mammy came home from town saying Her next Door has asked her in to see the babies, what babies I wondered.  So that evening Herself the Mammy and Miss Skinny Long Legs headed off.  Well I wanted to know what she was doing so I rounded up all the ladies and Simba sorted the cats and off we followed them.  Unfortunately we got caught and Miss Skinny Long Legs brought us home...well she offered us food, it would be rude to refuse.

It was a pity as we know next door has lots of hens and a very fine cockeral, we hear him each morning and it would have been exciting to meet him...if you know what I mean...who wants to be a single lady all their life?

When they came back the were oowing and ahhing about baby chicks, day old chicks.  Whats so cute about a chick, they don't even have proper feathers or wonderful combs like I do...and maybe the other two ladies aswell but not as fine as mine obviously.

Then they started talking about hen chicks and  duck chicks and new houses and fences and christmas dinner...were is all of this going?

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Zara: A long walk

I'm Zara, and I'm a female husky puppy and I live with Herself the Mammy. I'm only new here so getting to know everyone. Now you mightn't know it but Herself the Mammy is terrified of dogs and all other I see it as my job to help her like me and all my doggy friends.  To do this I jump on her and lick her all the time to show her how much I love her...she doesn't seem as happy with this as I thought she would.  My Daddy is Him the Boy-Man and Sometimes his Girlfriend.  I sleep on his bed and sometimes he brings me to work..and sometimes he brings me to Kat with Two Legs for the day and sometimes he leaves me with Herself the Mammy.  She brings me for long long walks.

I have had a lovely day today.  I got a new bone and had a great chew on it, then I put it under the table so I can find it later.  Herself the Mammy brought me to town today and I had a great time.  I drank from loads of puddles and we went to the market.  I like that as I meet loads of people and get loads of cuddles. She was talking to The Man with Meat, but stayed too long so I moved her on.  Then I met The Girl That Likes Me...and she brought me for a walk while Herself the Mammy stayed and nattered...I often wonder what she finds to talk abou...humans!!!

After that we came home, had some food and off we went again.  Herself the Mammy rattled the chain and out we went for a walk to the big water.   It's a long bit away and I get to smell loads of interesting things along the road.  Sometimes I get to make new doggy friends along the way.  We walk along the road and the noisey things on wheels go by but they always slow down and say hello to me.  We got to the big water and I had great fun, I run into the water, catch it in my mouth and run out again.

Then we went to the boats to run around, I tried to run fast but kept skidding and almost going into the big water.

Then I got to the big boat field to have a run around and play with my ball.  I had a great time and then we had the long walk back home.  I did my best to make Herself the Mammy exhausted so she would sleep for a long time and be happy...I even helped her buy sitting on her feet and giving her a cuddle.

Monday, May 7, 2012

All the single ladies: The Plan

6th May, 9:40pm in the henhouse:

What are we going to do about this situation then girls?

What situation Marigold?

What do you mean what fucking situation, the fact that a grey fluffy monster now roams the garden and fancys us for dinner.

Oh that one, I don't know I was waiting on Sperenza to tell me what to think.

No point on waiting on me Lady Lavery, I'm too terrified to think.

OK what about a breakout.


In the morning.

Ok so, we'll do that in the morning so, let's dream of a plan.

7th May 7am, In the hen house:

Sperenza, Lady Lavery hurry up we have to breakout today.

Yawn, what...this early, I have so much to do.

Such as?

Well, a bit of breakfast, a wander to the stream for a drink, a bit of slug eating, a rest and then I will need to lay an egg.

OK, so you will be leaving the henhouse and going out to the garden...?


...and in the garden will be a fluffy grey monster...?

Yes.... oops, I see what you mean, so we can't go out.

That's it.

Excuse me Marigold, but by that logic we can't get out to escape.

That's true, that's why we need a plan.

OK well lets eat first and think about it.

9.30am, in the henhouse

Ok, so thats what we will do.  Marigold will watch the house and tell us when Herself the Mammy and the Fluffy Grey Monster leave for a walk then we will make our escape.

Yes, Sperenza, that's the bloody plan, any questions Lady Lavery?

Yes, how do we get out of the hen house and out of the garden? Were you building a tunnel last night, or did you hijack an escape plane?

Ooooh, thats a good question, how do we get out?

Listen you two red headed idiots with peas for brains, we don't need a tunnel, we don't need a plane.  We have no locked door, we have no locked gate, all we do is walk out of the house and out the gate and that's it...simple.

What, out the gate, the front gate, but we NEVER go out there.

Isn't that the point Lady Lavery, we are escaping, not going for a walk in the garden, we are going where no hen has gone before.

That's true Marigold, but I'm with Lady Lavery on this one, we don't know what is outside the front gate...but we do know it's where the noisey machines on wheels go and I don't want to get run down. Let's go out through the back garden into the big field and take it from there.

Ok so, but let's get moving now before you decide to lay another bloody egg.  Are we all ready, off we go.

10:45, In the back garden

Look ladies, there it is, the back fence, almost there and we are out. come on.

Em excuse me Sperenza..

Shut up Marigold, we are nearly out, come on, under the fence here, quick before Lady Lavery backs out, that's it Lady, under the fence, that's it...quick.

Free, we are free, finally away from the monster.

Em, I don't think....

Marigold, stop trying to take over as always, we are out, what's your problem.

My problem is you two stupid bitches is that all we have done is walk into the garden next door, we do this every day to find slugs to eat, we haven't escaped we've just gone for our daily wander. You should have let me make the plan, I knew I shouldn't have listened to you two.

OK then what will we do now?

And when can we eat, and when can I sleep, I need a nap.

What! Food and sleep, we are escaping not having a Sunday picnic.  Where are we going to get food, where are we going to sleep?

Well usually around this time Herself the Mammy comes out with some scraps and I nap in the flower pot.

Oh you dumbhead, we have just left home, we have no more Herself the Mammy to feed us and no house and no flower pots, we have no Simba, we are all alone and have to fend for ourselves.

Oh my god, I hadn't really thought of it like that, I thought we would just relocate and Herself the Mammy would find us and feed us and give us a new house...this is scary.

What will we do.

OK, we will climb to the top of the clay pile and have a look around.  That is the highest place for a least three gardens and fields.  We can see from there and look for somewhere new to live.  We need food and water and somewhere safe to sleep.  I'm happy with slugs to eat and puddles to drink, what about you two.

Well slugs are fine as long as we have some organic layers pellets aswell and some bread.

For Christ sake, no pellets, no bread, just slugs and worms.

Sob, sob, sob, choke........waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh

Shut up Lady Lavery, Marigold is right, we need to toughen up and look after ourselves, come on pull yourself together and up the hill.

11:30 At the top of the muck hill in the next door garden

So here we are, what now?

Well, we need to survey the land around us and see where is best to go.

How do we know what is best?

Well we need some where safe to roost.

Ok, look what about over there, that looks good.

No, that's the garden with two bad cats.

Oh, well what about over there.

No, that's where the magpies live, we will get no food there.

Oh....look I see the perfect place.

Yes, Lady Lavery, show us.

Look just over there, a green hen house with food and water, just perfect.

I don't believe this, of course it's perfect Lady Lavery, it's where we just came from, it's our house.

Don't shout at me Marigold, I'm trying...sob, sob, sob.

10 minutes later:

Now now, Lady Lavery, Marigold didn't mean it, come on love, stop crying now.


OK we have had enough of this, it's time we set off again.  I suggest we go over there and have a look around those trees, they have long grass and I can see plenty of slugs, we will look for water when we get there, are you ready.

What, you want us to go next door to the garden next door, that's really far away, we haver never been there before.

That's the point, now shut up and move.

12:15pm, In the garden next door to the garden next door.

Well ladies we made it, we have escaped and have somewhere new to live, well done, it was tough going but you got here in the end.

I'm really tired but I'm hungry.

Ok lets have a look around and find some food and then we will see if we can make a roost somewhere.

aaaargh, squawk, squawk, squawk

What is it Lady Lavery, use words

squawk, squawk

Talk dammit, talk girl.

Oh oh, look, it's they fluffy grey monster.

NOOOOOOOOOOO...I thought we just got away from her, run girls, run for your life.


Back to the hen house in the orchard.

But we just escaped from there.

I know...but it's safer back there than here now, run quick.
Squawk, squawk, squawk.

Comment from Herself the Mammy:

I was left looking after Zara today and brought her out for a walk.  When I was on the way back I found the hens in a garden two houses away..strange, they don't normally wander that far.  They took one look at me and flew off in a panic...weird.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Sperenza: The grey fluffy monster.

Living in the orchard, dining with Simba
We have now settled into our new house, now we are all the single ladies living in the orchard of herself the Mammy.  As an address I do feel it is more upmarket than the back of the garden.  We are beside the stream and the bridge and get to see people go by each's great to be admired and this is what I was brought up to.  Marigold is still a bit unsure and wanders back to the back of the garden each day...good for us as it gives us a break from her...I mean compared to us she is a commoner and we should be applauded for tolerating her.
We had a daily routine, we wake up at sunrise and let ourselves out and wander about the garden looking for slugs.  Marigold runs off to play with Simba and us two wander into the stream for a drink and then head off for a dust bath. At about 8am Herself the Mammy comes out with organic layers pellets for us, she locks us into the hen run to eat them and then goes and feeds the cats.  She is back at 9am (still in her pyjamas and a pair of wellies, somebody needs to talk to her about her dress sense) with a bucket of scraps for us and another for the cats...we found out the third bucket is for Pinkie and Pixie the pigs on Dave's farm. She collects the eggs and gives us some fresh bedding. Life was good and we were ticking by...but by now we should know that when we get comfortable things here change.

So the other day Herself the Mammy came out with our food...and is she bloody mad, along with her was a fluffy grey monster. It was attached to her some way but still ran and tried to chase us.  Does she not realise that we are still traumatised from losing our dear friend the countess to a similar monster...a red hairy one, oh and Honeysuckle aswell.  So we squawked and ran and flew and the more we tried to get away the more the monster yelped and tried to get us. Herself the Mammy was yelling "Sit Zara, sit Zara"  that will do no good, she needs to shoot the monster.  I flew off to the top of our house and think I will stay here all day.

The grey fluffy monster