Monday, May 7, 2012

All the single ladies: The Plan

6th May, 9:40pm in the henhouse:

What are we going to do about this situation then girls?

What situation Marigold?

What do you mean what fucking situation, the fact that a grey fluffy monster now roams the garden and fancys us for dinner.

Oh that one, I don't know I was waiting on Sperenza to tell me what to think.

No point on waiting on me Lady Lavery, I'm too terrified to think.

OK what about a breakout.


In the morning.

Ok so, we'll do that in the morning so, let's dream of a plan.

7th May 7am, In the hen house:

Sperenza, Lady Lavery hurry up we have to breakout today.

Yawn, what...this early, I have so much to do.

Such as?

Well, a bit of breakfast, a wander to the stream for a drink, a bit of slug eating, a rest and then I will need to lay an egg.

OK, so you will be leaving the henhouse and going out to the garden...?


...and in the garden will be a fluffy grey monster...?

Yes.... oops, I see what you mean, so we can't go out.

That's it.

Excuse me Marigold, but by that logic we can't get out to escape.

That's true, that's why we need a plan.

OK well lets eat first and think about it.

9.30am, in the henhouse

Ok, so thats what we will do.  Marigold will watch the house and tell us when Herself the Mammy and the Fluffy Grey Monster leave for a walk then we will make our escape.

Yes, Sperenza, that's the bloody plan, any questions Lady Lavery?

Yes, how do we get out of the hen house and out of the garden? Were you building a tunnel last night, or did you hijack an escape plane?

Ooooh, thats a good question, how do we get out?

Listen you two red headed idiots with peas for brains, we don't need a tunnel, we don't need a plane.  We have no locked door, we have no locked gate, all we do is walk out of the house and out the gate and that's it...simple.

What, out the gate, the front gate, but we NEVER go out there.

Isn't that the point Lady Lavery, we are escaping, not going for a walk in the garden, we are going where no hen has gone before.

That's true Marigold, but I'm with Lady Lavery on this one, we don't know what is outside the front gate...but we do know it's where the noisey machines on wheels go and I don't want to get run down. Let's go out through the back garden into the big field and take it from there.

Ok so, but let's get moving now before you decide to lay another bloody egg.  Are we all ready, off we go.

10:45, In the back garden

Look ladies, there it is, the back fence, almost there and we are out. come on.

Em excuse me Sperenza..

Shut up Marigold, we are nearly out, come on, under the fence here, quick before Lady Lavery backs out, that's it Lady, under the fence, that's it...quick.

Free, we are free, finally away from the monster.

Em, I don't think....

Marigold, stop trying to take over as always, we are out, what's your problem.

My problem is you two stupid bitches is that all we have done is walk into the garden next door, we do this every day to find slugs to eat, we haven't escaped we've just gone for our daily wander. You should have let me make the plan, I knew I shouldn't have listened to you two.

OK then what will we do now?

And when can we eat, and when can I sleep, I need a nap.

What! Food and sleep, we are escaping not having a Sunday picnic.  Where are we going to get food, where are we going to sleep?

Well usually around this time Herself the Mammy comes out with some scraps and I nap in the flower pot.

Oh you dumbhead, we have just left home, we have no more Herself the Mammy to feed us and no house and no flower pots, we have no Simba, we are all alone and have to fend for ourselves.

Oh my god, I hadn't really thought of it like that, I thought we would just relocate and Herself the Mammy would find us and feed us and give us a new house...this is scary.

What will we do.

OK, we will climb to the top of the clay pile and have a look around.  That is the highest place for a least three gardens and fields.  We can see from there and look for somewhere new to live.  We need food and water and somewhere safe to sleep.  I'm happy with slugs to eat and puddles to drink, what about you two.

Well slugs are fine as long as we have some organic layers pellets aswell and some bread.

For Christ sake, no pellets, no bread, just slugs and worms.

Sob, sob, sob, choke........waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh

Shut up Lady Lavery, Marigold is right, we need to toughen up and look after ourselves, come on pull yourself together and up the hill.

11:30 At the top of the muck hill in the next door garden

So here we are, what now?

Well, we need to survey the land around us and see where is best to go.

How do we know what is best?

Well we need some where safe to roost.

Ok, look what about over there, that looks good.

No, that's the garden with two bad cats.

Oh, well what about over there.

No, that's where the magpies live, we will get no food there.

Oh....look I see the perfect place.

Yes, Lady Lavery, show us.

Look just over there, a green hen house with food and water, just perfect.

I don't believe this, of course it's perfect Lady Lavery, it's where we just came from, it's our house.

Don't shout at me Marigold, I'm trying...sob, sob, sob.

10 minutes later:

Now now, Lady Lavery, Marigold didn't mean it, come on love, stop crying now.


OK we have had enough of this, it's time we set off again.  I suggest we go over there and have a look around those trees, they have long grass and I can see plenty of slugs, we will look for water when we get there, are you ready.

What, you want us to go next door to the garden next door, that's really far away, we haver never been there before.

That's the point, now shut up and move.

12:15pm, In the garden next door to the garden next door.

Well ladies we made it, we have escaped and have somewhere new to live, well done, it was tough going but you got here in the end.

I'm really tired but I'm hungry.

Ok lets have a look around and find some food and then we will see if we can make a roost somewhere.

aaaargh, squawk, squawk, squawk

What is it Lady Lavery, use words

squawk, squawk

Talk dammit, talk girl.

Oh oh, look, it's they fluffy grey monster.

NOOOOOOOOOOO...I thought we just got away from her, run girls, run for your life.


Back to the hen house in the orchard.

But we just escaped from there.

I know...but it's safer back there than here now, run quick.
Squawk, squawk, squawk.

Comment from Herself the Mammy:

I was left looking after Zara today and brought her out for a walk.  When I was on the way back I found the hens in a garden two houses away..strange, they don't normally wander that far.  They took one look at me and flew off in a panic...weird.

1 comment:

  1. The Man Who shoutsMay 11, 2012 at 7:37 PM

    No wonder we only got two eggs yesterday!